T'aarof or Tarof (Persian: تعارف) is a Persian form of civility emphasizing both self-deference and social rank, similar to the Chinese art of etiquette, limao. The term encompasses a range of social behaviours, from a man displaying etiquette by opening the door for a woman, to a group of colleagues standing on ceremony in front of a door that can permit the
entry of only one at time, earnestly imploring the most senior to break the deadlock.
The prevalence of t'aarof often gives rise to different styles of negotiation than one would see in a non-Iranian culture. For example, a worker negotiating a salary might begin with a eulogy of the employer, followed by a lengthy bargaining session consisting entirely of indirect, polite language -- both parties are expected to understand the implied topic of discussion. It is quite common for an Iranian worker (even one employed in an Iranian neighborhood within Europe) to work unpaid for a week or two before the issue of wages is finally broached. Likewise, a shopkeeper may initially refuse to quote a price for an item, suggesting that it is worthless ("gh'aabel nadaareh"). T'aarof obliges the customer to insist on paying, possibly several times, before a shopkeeper finally quotes a price and real negotiation can begin.
T'aarof also governs the rules of hospitality: a host is obliged to offer anything a guest might want, and a guest is equally obliged to refuse it. This ritual may repeat itself several times before the host and guest finally determine whether the host's offer and the guest's refusal are real or simply polite. It is possible to ask someone not to t'aarof ("t'aarof nakonid"), but that raises new difficulties, since the request itself might be a devious type of t'aarof.
At times t'aarof can lead to one performing a task that one does not want to perform. For instance, if one friend offers a ride to another friend only because they are being polite, they may become stuck in the situation if the friend agrees to get the ride. Of course if one was going by the rules of t'aarof, one would refuse the offer many times before accepting.
The prevalence of t'aarof often gives rise to different styles of negotiation than one would see in a non-Iranian culture. For example, a worker negotiating a salary might begin with a eulogy of the employer, followed by a lengthy bargaining session consisting entirely of indirect, polite language -- both parties are expected to understand the implied topic of discussion. It is quite common for an Iranian worker (even one employed in an Iranian neighborhood within Europe) to work unpaid for a week or two before the issue of wages is finally broached. Likewise, a shopkeeper may initially refuse to quote a price for an item, suggesting that it is worthless ("gh'aabel nadaareh"). T'aarof obliges the customer to insist on paying, possibly several times, before a shopkeeper finally quotes a price and real negotiation can begin.
T'aarof also governs the rules of hospitality: a host is obliged to offer anything a guest might want, and a guest is equally obliged to refuse it. This ritual may repeat itself several times before the host and guest finally determine whether the host's offer and the guest's refusal are real or simply polite. It is possible to ask someone not to t'aarof ("t'aarof nakonid"), but that raises new difficulties, since the request itself might be a devious type of t'aarof.
At times t'aarof can lead to one performing a task that one does not want to perform. For instance, if one friend offers a ride to another friend only because they are being polite, they may become stuck in the situation if the friend agrees to get the ride. Of course if one was going by the rules of t'aarof, one would refuse the offer many times before accepting.
Social Customs
It is a way of denying your will to please your counterpart, however the will is only denied because of the custom and not to please the counterpart. But there are situations where tarof persist upon a request to make the counterpart genuinely satisfied. Tarof often causes misunderstandings between both parties and is a source for awkward situations in a social setting.
The closest one can come to tarof in the western culture is the question of "Who's paying the restaurant bill?" This is an awkward situation where everybody
in the company is reaching for their wallets and it's usually resolved by social status, the one with the highest income, biggest reason or most power pays. But,
still everyone insists on paying.
Common words used in tarof:
Fake tarof: A customer comes to the cashier to pay for groceries. The cashier says “ it's okay, you honor me with your presence” When the customer insists on
paying, the charade of tarof continues with a customary word exchange which is culturally learned from a young age. The discussion concludes with a minor
argument and the cashier is finally paid the full amount of the groceries and the customer leaves.
Footnote: the cashier wants the cash and the customer just wants to pay but this is a cultural and social game.
Genuine tarof: A person will offer guests every comfort available by discomforting him/herself. Sometimes this leads to offering things above one's means. As an example the host will use the last funds to buy groceries to make an overly pleasant stay for the guest. This may have dire consequences for the
host, but this is the generous side of tarof and its only purpose is to satisfy the guest.
Footnote: the host is satisfying the guests and feeling good about being a generous and humble person, independent of its consequences.
Awkward tarof: A host insists upon a request for the guest to sleep on the main bed while the host him/herself sleeps on the floor. Or a host piling food on a guest’s plate since the host is believing that the guest is tarofing, but the guest is actually full and satisfied.
Footnote: the guest feels awkward by putting the host in an uncomfortable situation. The guest might finish all the food to show respect to the host.
The closest one can come to tarof in the western culture is the question of "Who's paying the restaurant bill?" This is an awkward situation where everybody
in the company is reaching for their wallets and it's usually resolved by social status, the one with the highest income, biggest reason or most power pays. But,
still everyone insists on paying.
Common words used in tarof:
- Ghabeli nadare = It's not a big deal
- Ghadamet ro chesham (you can walk on my eyes) = I am small in your presence.
(you are very welcome to us) - Ghorbanet beram (I will sacrifice myself for you) = Thank you very much
- Cheshmet roshan (light in your eyes) = You're worth it
- Khaesh mikonam (I do kindness) = You are humbling me
Fake tarof: A customer comes to the cashier to pay for groceries. The cashier says “ it's okay, you honor me with your presence” When the customer insists on
paying, the charade of tarof continues with a customary word exchange which is culturally learned from a young age. The discussion concludes with a minor
argument and the cashier is finally paid the full amount of the groceries and the customer leaves.
Footnote: the cashier wants the cash and the customer just wants to pay but this is a cultural and social game.
Genuine tarof: A person will offer guests every comfort available by discomforting him/herself. Sometimes this leads to offering things above one's means. As an example the host will use the last funds to buy groceries to make an overly pleasant stay for the guest. This may have dire consequences for the
host, but this is the generous side of tarof and its only purpose is to satisfy the guest.
Footnote: the host is satisfying the guests and feeling good about being a generous and humble person, independent of its consequences.
Awkward tarof: A host insists upon a request for the guest to sleep on the main bed while the host him/herself sleeps on the floor. Or a host piling food on a guest’s plate since the host is believing that the guest is tarofing, but the guest is actually full and satisfied.
Footnote: the guest feels awkward by putting the host in an uncomfortable situation. The guest might finish all the food to show respect to the host.